omg i am so sick of myself
i can find so many ways to think of myself as a failure compared to the people around me
in every single aspect
grades,job,friendship or whatever
and it's so fucking annoying
cause i dont want to
it just hits me

grr fuck

anyway 3 more days to the finals
i actually have a good feeling about it
the bad thing is so do the knobus people

And we lay, we lay together
just not too close, too close
(How close is close enough?)
=/

motion city soundtrack, erica sent me this photo to gloat

yay orange county made it to the catholeague finals....
the team we were playing against, BG boys,
set out their stalls to defend from the very first whistle
so it was deadlocked all the way till penalties
and we won via penalties
kudos to the penalty takers for having the guts to step up and take one

so our finals will be held at stpats this sunday
against knobus, the team i played for last year
in the same competition and also reached the finals
ha come support if you can thank you

and i am quite proud of myself
because i am taking my cutting down of cigarettes seriously
last week, i smoked 10 sticks in one week
when it used to be five a day

and when i went to forbidden city at indochine on sat
i bought a pack, smoked like 5
then thought wtf am i doing
and gave the rest of the pack away
=)

yay

i enjoy reading my eldest sister's blog
i was reading thru her previous entries
and its so funny
what a pity she stopped blogging

i was reading thru my previous entries
and i was (am,whatever) so fucking immature
and stupid and i blogged like a caveman
with no paragraphing or anything
just a chunk of redundant rubbish

eugh i felt so bad earlier whilst out with the family
because i was quiet and brooding
and my eldest sis said,''when your tired, your quiet and its boring''
but i wasnt tired
i wished i could just tell her everything happening to me,the reason why i am ''emo''
but i thought it would seem insignificant to someone about to start her own family

i think a waitering job beckons
and i think any question that anyone asks me now that begins with a ''why?''
my answer would very simply be 'i cant be bothered'

and to the 2 of yall
i dont know what happened
or how it happened
but whatever happened, happened
i know we are just best friends by name
and i know some people say this
for the sake of saying
but if you really need someone to talk to,
someone to just make one of you smile
someone to just ease the pain
someone who knows yall since ''childhood''
i am here, emo or not
and i mean it

i miss god
his presence within me
i havnt been to church for ages
and the last few time i went, it was with my friends
and i cant lie and say we were all quiet and listened and were attentive

i have no one to turn to who can really help me and make me feel better in recent times
i really think i am in a slump now
this was when i realized that i really need the direction that god provided me in past years
when i was scared, i would pray
when i was happy, i would pray
when i was sad, i would pray
before i sleep every night, i would pray
now, i hardly pray, only when i am in church

i dont know what happened
maybe i took him for granted
but now, i really wanna just run to him
and bawl my eyes out
and let everything that has been troubling me, out
so i can start a new chapter of my life
cause seriously, the one i am in now has been drawn out long enough
with enough unhappy endings

but there's something holding me back
i have this mindset where i condone people who turn to god
when they only want something
like for example;
someone who hasnt gone to church for ages, suddenly praying asking god for good grades?
i dont like this, i find it stupid cause your only turning to him cause you want something
after you get it, you just go ''thanks god'' and you carry on your life without him
only praying again when you want something

i cant help but think i am only turning to him cause i feel lost
then once i am back on track, poof i disappear
i keep telling myself that i wont
but who knows?

help me lord
fight this loneliness
take this pain away

i love you god
i miss you
i need you

more pictures from zouk!!! read the previous entry for details of 'the zouk experience'

this was what i meant by the guitarist being emotional....hahaha but damn cute laa





jill and sa!!! chance meeting!!

oh ya did i mention that stacie oricco looked at me twice when she was singing...yes not once, but twice...she must have liked what she saw... mahahaha and no wan, she wasnt looking at you...hahaha damn funny la he was smoking when she turned TO LOOK AT ME and he was like,''fuck i was smoking, now got bad impression'' hahahahahaha

stacie oricco performance 8pm zouk

ah so the performance by stacie oricco...haha let me take you thru the details k
she arrived late, like 8.45 then the freaking introduction was like half an hour
stupid vernon A and justin ang, making lame jokes
she sang for like 40 mins? then she left
but she sang well, and we all(including wan and i) sung along to 'there's gotta be more to life'
hahahahha
yes damnnn short laaa the performance but luckily the tickets were free
and i had mr ridhwan to laugh at every single thing...hahahaha damn funny la the guitarist

anddddddd guess what? missus jill and alyssa happened to be there too!! haha damn coincidental laaa...so after the 'ever so long performance', we all met up and i met my cousins at zouk!! another coincidence...cool old people...haha so wan and alyssa like left so damn fast laaa stupid pasir ris people...then tanya beins came and we all clubbed till 3-4? my sister was there too...and during the one too many frequent toilet breaks by missus tanya, i saw denise, the law senior..she asked me where are the rest of the law people, and i said they were busy studying mahahaha! its true k

then i saw more ex patricians and mr kai ming..who asked me to go to the new urban male party at zouk next thurs...i might go, considering how much fun i had yesterday...so after clubbing, where jill got wasted, we headed down to simpang.. where we fooled around before heading home...k seriously this was just what the doctor ordered after all the shit happening..why cant everyday be like this?

our emo picture at the pool place, after lunch and before the concert...we, or rather they, ate at es teler this indo restaurant kinda thing...

hahahahahahahha another candid leo photo...with wan distracting and my fast fingers clicking

k more photos next entry cause i think i am stuck...someone teach me how to upload pictures properly pleaseeeee

nothing is cheering me up
hmmm
not even the videos that wan put up of us in youtube
maybe cause i have seen it too many times

well hopefully tmr will be better
cause wan and i are going for the stacie orrico concert in zouk
yes, two 18-yr old boys are going for a stacie oricco concert
hope we have fun

sorry if i dun reply to the tags regarding my results and shit
i just dont know what to say
but thanks anyway
appreciate it
you people are the only ones keeping me sane
and the reason why i dont wanna just give up and die

it hurts when something you eagerly await for a week
turns out so disappointing and so totally not what you expect
fuck it hurts when you expect at least some B's finally after a year and a half of poly life
and you still see the fucking friendly faces of C's and D's
fuck
i didnt even aim to do so fucking well and get all A
i just wanted to pull up my fucking pathetic GPA of 2.01
wow thanks it came 2.04
fuck
so fucking what if i didnt get supps?
i studied too hard to even be thinking of supps
ah fuck la
fuck it

i dont wanna go overseas
i am afraid.
afraid to meet new people, afraid to be alone, afraid to miss my family and friends
i know its stupid and fucking dumb but i am scared k?

maybe i should find out more about the private U shit
if my dad wont pay for me
guess i will have to juggle school with work till end of year 3
since i am actively finding for a job now
maybe i should just stay on
then fuck personal enjoyment cause i think i am having too much of it anyway

argh i hate this

i wish i was special
you're so fucking special
but i am a creep
i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here?

I dont care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When Im not around
Youre so fuckin special
I wish I was special

i realised that i talk a lot about my soccer team OC but havnt shown any pictures soooo
photos of my team OC in our recent match at jalan besar stadium
(OC stands for orange county, aptly named cause we wear orange)

Peter chai, the guy in yellow, is not actually the keeper but its just that our keeper for that day wanted to play up so pete volunteered to be keeper...

next are photos of me leading the warm up.... UP!

DOWN!!!

hahaha playing with this bunch of monkeys is damn fun laaa...they are all fucking solid and with peter chai playing alongside me, i dont have to do shit...serious

k anyway, today job hunting was a dud...it felt more like an outing sia...so many jokes, cock up moments and waste time phone calls...in the end, wan and i went to eastpoint where i checked if the pet safari were hiring cause i want to work with animals...thats why i hang out with wan...MAHAHAHA k kidding ah dun emo...so it turns out they werent, so wan and i retreated to peters house to slack...where wan eventually left and i played soccer at simei court...wooo

so tomorrow, or rather today, will be job hunting day 2....in town....most prob Borders....hope they are hiring....SHAHIRA WHEN IS ARAB STREETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???

hmmm i was just watching Becker, the tv show
and there was this scene that was so fucking sad for a comedy

Jake, the resident blind guy, actually opened the door for a burglar and let him escape because well, he was blind. So he was feeling damn bad and shit and he said this,

''When i wake up everyday, I think like I am any average guy on the street. I have a job, i have friends, i lead a normal life. But sometimes, something like this happens and it reminds me i am not like any average guy. i am blind, i am handicapped''

fuck i felt damn sad la...k just felt like sharing that with yall...so tomorrow is job-hunting day one...hope it stops there...i need a jobbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

yesterday i spent time with my old friends,sangeet and winston
and it was exactly these times that i missed
we chilled at sangs house for ages,doing stupid things like screaming and shouting
fucking funny...can u picture sangeet screaming? yes exactly

then we went to blk 85 to eat and we spent like 3 hours there
just the three of us talking about random things and laughing and making frens with the
drinks uncle cause he was captivated by my mandarin linguistic skills
but we had this funny conversation with him anyway

uncle: that will be 4.20
sang(after one sip): uncle one more sugar cane(when the uncle just put his down)
uncle(shocked): huh?? i just gave
sang: ya one more
uncle (trying to regain his coolness): oh can can...10 more also can
sang: ok if free, i want ten

so the uncle left, then came back with sangs sugar cane

uncle: k nah 1.20
sang: not free ah uncle?
uncle(after collecting money): k now free HAHAHAHAHAHA(he started laughing hysterically)
me: uncle, we give you one chicken wing, you give us free drink ah
uncle: for what i want chicken wing?

k at this point he started rambling and we regretted talking to him...and after our table, he started talking to every table he served...like he now sees himself like some cool, suave frenly new age drinks uncle...and winston might get me a job with him at an office! yes desk job! yes weekends free! yay

i think i should go back to my year one after school life

as though the current situation wasnt bad enough, it got worse
why hold this back for so long and pretend everything is alright?
but maybe you do have a point,
maybe we have been too mean and selfish and not thinking about others

k i apologise for whatever part i played in this
we obviously were wrong when we believed you when you told us you were ok
and thanks for not telling us the truth all along cause you were afraid we, your friends, might bitch about you
so yes we shall stop
and i think
personally, i should stop period in case i am hurting more people
yes yes no more incessant teasings...

ah i am so fucking confused now
confused over every single fucking thing in my life
who's at fault and whose to blame?
what is she/he thinking and why is he/she doing this?
what am i suppose to do?
this applies to so many fucking things, its fucking crazy
fuck

today was soccer at safra changi..also known as NSRCC

to some enlightened people, this was the place that i used to work as a bowling alley guy
yes snicker all u want
anyway, they recently built a street soccer court there
and while walking around, i saw some familiar faces that were there when i still worked there
and are still there...nostalgia

anyway, i managed to take a photo of mr sangeet teo

hahaha damn cute la...and we were all quite excited to play at that court, cause we thought confirm no mats la...since got booking all, no HDB blocks around all but lo and behold,


a mat!!! then we saw more and more and we were all like fuck!!!

but luckily for us, they were not affiliated in any way to one another, and what this poor soul did was to sit outside and just watch longingly....anyway, we are all set for the chalet and my dad gave me some alcohol!!! woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo time for some fun and enjoyment!! CANT FUCKING WAIT