i want a happy birthday

heavy heart heavy heart heavy heart
but i guess its better for you this way
then at least you will be happy

if its not my fault, why does it hurt so much??

sigh

but you mean a lot to me, so i guess this is where
'friendship lasts longer than relationship' comes in

i am gonna overcome this
paper hearts cant win this time
all along i should have realized
this wasnt your dream it was mine

but i have to say it was wonderful while 'it lasted'
=/

if only
if only

edit: its 630 am and i still cant sleep
i tossed and turn and log in and out of my com for 3 hrs
i hope this doesnt affect my exams =/

i guess the straw that broke the camels back finally happened today

i got a call from my dad asking what time i would be coming home because someone needed to look after the dogs as he wanted to sleep,as the dogs always bark when someone comes home unless someone is there to look after them but i was busy at that time so i said i will be home in 40 mins..turns out it was too late, and he got kinda angry..i tried calling my sis but her phone was off, no surprise there...she hasnt been home before 2am for the past 2 weeks..and my dad has been going on about how its her dogs but she hasnt been a very good owner, about how it always gets pushed to him.

so when i got home, he was fucking angry, and he said he was gonna call SPCA to take the dogs away. i was devastated when i heard that..he has always threatened abot giving the dogs away but he hasnt been specific, kind of like a vague threat..

but the tone in his voice, and the seriousness of the matter, and the fact he gave the specifics, freaked me out...my family dogs given away?

i have always loved dogs, so to get my own dog in about end of sec 3, was like one of the better things to happen to me.

i remember when we first had casey, he was a small trembling thing, and we actually thought he might be mute at first cause he hardly made any noise..after a few months, he started barking and we were all happy...ironically enough, it was the reason he is about to be given away.

he was one of the better frens i had...my eldest sis and i went on about how he knew you were sad or sick, and how if you were, he would just cuddle up to you, or rest his head on your leg, and it was a beautiful feeling, it was actual love, actual no holes barred love. so what if he barks? everyone, everything has their faults...why cant he accept his..

how would you like if your best frens dad decided to give your best fren away and never see him again? in my case, i cant even talk to him, i cant send smses, i cant ask him how he is doing...what if another family takes him in? what if they mistreat him? what if he gets killed? i cant bear to picture anything, i will just cry harder..its painful

brandy has been a doll too even though he has been with the family for less than 2 years...she was always eager and happy.. and the friendlier of the 2 dogs...she is old, like 8 years,,,she wont live much longer, this is the age for her to relax and enjoy....and she is gonna have to move and adjust and cope again?

as i type, they are on my bed sleeping unknowing to what is gonna happen to them tomorrow, i cant bear to picture what they must be feeling....''i am lucky to have a family that loves me'' and the next day they wont see that family anymore?

fucked up, i just hope its one more of his empty threats..and doesnt all this happen at the right time? exam period? how the fuck am i suppose to focus now?

k i cant type anymore, i just cant

i hate ambiguity
i hate feeling helpless
at a loss of what to do

i hate it when just when you think you have everything figured out,
a red herring appears and everything is thrown about again
just when you know where you stand
you get thrown off your perch and you have no idea how to get back there

i hate it when i think too much
and suddenly all this possibilities start apparating
some far fetched, some so fucking probable

i hate it when exams have to come at a time like this
i hate it when i start looking down at myself
''if i wasnt this way, this wouldnt happened to me''

i hate it when i feel so hopeful
and that hope makes me fly
cause i know in reality, i am gonna land hard

the amazing this is, when all this angst occur
it disappears as soon as it comes
all it takes is to hear from you

i hate it when i sound creepy
cause i feel like i am scaring people away

i hate it when i blog like this
cause i feel ridiculous

i hate it when i blog with lyrics
because
i miss you like crazzzzzyyyyy
even more than words can sayyyy
i miss you like crazyyyyy
every minute of everydayyyyyyyy
girl i am so down
when your not arounddd
i miss you miss you miss youuuuu
i miss you like crazyy
its gay

gay gay gay gay gay gay

ahhh maybe i will feel better after exams
maybe everything will work out
see there i go again with hope

bahhhh

where are my frens

EDIT: see the mood swing is gone
good points today; i went church for ash wednesday mass!
wooo
so the priest is supposed to rub ash on our forehead, in the sign of the cross
and when i was next, i forgot to push my hair back
so he sort of gave me a wtf look then he made the sign with half of the ash on my hair
so i was like some
goth, satanic, ash-hair covered boy walkign back
my god
i suck

haha
but i felt enriched
and holy
back to church again shep
with exams coming soon too haha

i feel like the jekyll and hyde of blogging man
emo and non-emo

celebrating chinese new year even though i am a ''pure'' eurasian has always been a weird experience for me

the oranges, the superstitions, the ang pows, the traditions
but its also kinda cool
cause eurasians dont have their own holiday or festival thingy
(contrary to popular belief, eurasians dont celebrate christmas, christians and catholics do)

but its always boring for me
because i have no cousins in my age group
like they are either too young or too old
and like
i get bored easily
EASILY

oh well
oh ya i celebrate chinese new year cause my mums half chinese but she's a eurasian as well

on another note,
exams are coming
no more soccer for 2 weeks
i need to study
my fam law is fucked
so is accounts
OB help me

ahhhh

on another note,

you make me smile when i think of you

yesterday, or rather this morning, was midnight soccer at the bedok simpang court
not really midnight, like 2 am
so we were playing 4v4 happily shouting shouting
when the police came

haha apparently someone complained la
so they just told us to leave
after they recorded our particulars
we had a 14 yr old kid with us, someone's cousin
and the police asked him if he knew about the new rule about
where if anyone is under 16 years of age,he cant be out after 11pm
so he said he knew
so the policeman said ok so after this when they all eat supper, you go home straight
damn funny la

i need something to constantly occupy my mind
so i wont think of the hurt

today is shep bodoh day

i wore formal for presentation
when the whole class didnt wear
i didnt know =/

better still,
my group was first to present
but because of technical difficulties,
our video couldnt be played
so we are gonna present next week
formal for nothing =//

and the video
i acted as thaksin
and i feel so embarrassed...
ask me for it, if you wanna watch!

and then
got more moments
but i am shy

the hardest part of this, is leaving you

ah convey test tmr
and i havnt even opened my book
help!

k anyway, i went to buy food for myself in the morning
and i was also looking for a gift for my mum
cause its her birthday today
and so happens to be michelle's also
happy birthday!

k anyway i was looking around for a card
around my neighbourhood
and its kind of refreshing to walk around in rags in the morning
in like a market kind of dress-down occasion
cause i am sick of having to dress appropriately for school every single day
k i dont dress that nice everyday, but i have to put on pants ok?! haha

so yea its cool to be an ah pek once in a while
and i got my mum a card from one of the million under-block shops there
(yes yes call me cheap, my nasi lemak costs more than the card)
but its the thought that counts

anyway i was doing some random stoning
and i thought of what songs we sang on petes birthday in the pub
and i thought of only love by trademark
and thought of the lyrics
and thought of something, or rather someone

But only love can say
try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

weeee k i am freaking everyone out
sorry

i
need
to
study
conveyancing

k i resolve to study everyday for at least 2 hrs
after leadership presentation
i invite anyone to accompany me
because i cant study alone
i will think of random lyrics about love and shit
and be emo
then play computer games
then sleep
so study with meeeee
study group
nownownownownownownownwonwownownownownnwo
omggg
k fail

today was the remaining games of the ASHRAE cup that we took part it
we being the same team that took part in Director's cup and won

so we won our group stage games quite comprehensively
6-0,7-1 and 1-0

so i rushed down after fam law make up class just in time to reach astro turf
just before our first game, as everyone else had class so we had just enough players
we won the first game 1-0
with yours truly getting the winning goal
wooo!!

so on to semi-finals
this game was rather heated
as the malay team we were playign against
thought that it was ok to play dirty as long as you say sorry
so they were intentionally kicking our legs then apologising
sorry lost all its meaning la
but we won that on penalties
winston saving shots like mad
I MISSED
there goes my 100% record
=(

so then on to finals
this was fucked up
we scored the first goal
so we were happy
then peter cramped up
so there he was lying on the floor
i went to help him stretch
and the other fucking team played on la cb!
they scored an open goal
and we were all like wtf!!
like where the fuck is your sportsmanship

and the first thing he said when he scored was not 'like are you ok'?
it was 'the referee never stop time ah so dont blame me'
damn pissed off la
then they had a penalty but winston super keeper saved it again
but injured himself in the process
and peter was already injured
so we completed the game with 5 instead of 6
but we hung on till penalties
WHERE I MISSED AGAIN FUCK
haha we lost that penalties so we came in 2nd

but after that, the team came to us to shake hands
but i refused to and so did the rest of my team
he said,''eh come on sporting ah'
i said,' sporting? our player injured, you play on, how to shake your hands? sporting??'
then we walked away
bastards

but what consoled us was random mat teams that came up to us after the game
and said we deserved to win
and that the other team lacked sportsmanship
at least that showed on our part
so yea

p.s ruz tournament over but i still keeping your hairband!