i hate ambiguity
i hate feeling helpless
at a loss of what to do

i hate it when just when you think you have everything figured out,
a red herring appears and everything is thrown about again
just when you know where you stand
you get thrown off your perch and you have no idea how to get back there

i hate it when i think too much
and suddenly all this possibilities start apparating
some far fetched, some so fucking probable

i hate it when exams have to come at a time like this
i hate it when i start looking down at myself
''if i wasnt this way, this wouldnt happened to me''

i hate it when i feel so hopeful
and that hope makes me fly
cause i know in reality, i am gonna land hard

the amazing this is, when all this angst occur
it disappears as soon as it comes
all it takes is to hear from you

i hate it when i sound creepy
cause i feel like i am scaring people away

i hate it when i blog like this
cause i feel ridiculous

i hate it when i blog with lyrics
because
i miss you like crazzzzzyyyyy
even more than words can sayyyy
i miss you like crazyyyyy
every minute of everydayyyyyyyy
girl i am so down
when your not arounddd
i miss you miss you miss youuuuu
i miss you like crazyy
its gay

gay gay gay gay gay gay

ahhh maybe i will feel better after exams
maybe everything will work out
see there i go again with hope

bahhhh

where are my frens

EDIT: see the mood swing is gone
good points today; i went church for ash wednesday mass!
wooo
so the priest is supposed to rub ash on our forehead, in the sign of the cross
and when i was next, i forgot to push my hair back
so he sort of gave me a wtf look then he made the sign with half of the ash on my hair
so i was like some
goth, satanic, ash-hair covered boy walkign back
my god
i suck

haha
but i felt enriched
and holy
back to church again shep
with exams coming soon too haha

i feel like the jekyll and hyde of blogging man
emo and non-emo

celebrating chinese new year even though i am a ''pure'' eurasian has always been a weird experience for me

the oranges, the superstitions, the ang pows, the traditions
but its also kinda cool
cause eurasians dont have their own holiday or festival thingy
(contrary to popular belief, eurasians dont celebrate christmas, christians and catholics do)

but its always boring for me
because i have no cousins in my age group
like they are either too young or too old
and like
i get bored easily
EASILY

oh well
oh ya i celebrate chinese new year cause my mums half chinese but she's a eurasian as well

on another note,
exams are coming
no more soccer for 2 weeks
i need to study
my fam law is fucked
so is accounts
OB help me

ahhhh

on another note,

you make me smile when i think of you

yesterday, or rather this morning, was midnight soccer at the bedok simpang court
not really midnight, like 2 am
so we were playing 4v4 happily shouting shouting
when the police came

haha apparently someone complained la
so they just told us to leave
after they recorded our particulars
we had a 14 yr old kid with us, someone's cousin
and the police asked him if he knew about the new rule about
where if anyone is under 16 years of age,he cant be out after 11pm
so he said he knew
so the policeman said ok so after this when they all eat supper, you go home straight
damn funny la

i need something to constantly occupy my mind
so i wont think of the hurt

today is shep bodoh day

i wore formal for presentation
when the whole class didnt wear
i didnt know =/

better still,
my group was first to present
but because of technical difficulties,
our video couldnt be played
so we are gonna present next week
formal for nothing =//

and the video
i acted as thaksin
and i feel so embarrassed...
ask me for it, if you wanna watch!

and then
got more moments
but i am shy

the hardest part of this, is leaving you

ah convey test tmr
and i havnt even opened my book
help!

k anyway, i went to buy food for myself in the morning
and i was also looking for a gift for my mum
cause its her birthday today
and so happens to be michelle's also
happy birthday!

k anyway i was looking around for a card
around my neighbourhood
and its kind of refreshing to walk around in rags in the morning
in like a market kind of dress-down occasion
cause i am sick of having to dress appropriately for school every single day
k i dont dress that nice everyday, but i have to put on pants ok?! haha

so yea its cool to be an ah pek once in a while
and i got my mum a card from one of the million under-block shops there
(yes yes call me cheap, my nasi lemak costs more than the card)
but its the thought that counts

anyway i was doing some random stoning
and i thought of what songs we sang on petes birthday in the pub
and i thought of only love by trademark
and thought of the lyrics
and thought of something, or rather someone

But only love can say
try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

weeee k i am freaking everyone out
sorry

i
need
to
study
conveyancing

k i resolve to study everyday for at least 2 hrs
after leadership presentation
i invite anyone to accompany me
because i cant study alone
i will think of random lyrics about love and shit
and be emo
then play computer games
then sleep
so study with meeeee
study group
nownownownownownownownwonwownownownownnwo
omggg
k fail

today was the remaining games of the ASHRAE cup that we took part it
we being the same team that took part in Director's cup and won

so we won our group stage games quite comprehensively
6-0,7-1 and 1-0

so i rushed down after fam law make up class just in time to reach astro turf
just before our first game, as everyone else had class so we had just enough players
we won the first game 1-0
with yours truly getting the winning goal
wooo!!

so on to semi-finals
this game was rather heated
as the malay team we were playign against
thought that it was ok to play dirty as long as you say sorry
so they were intentionally kicking our legs then apologising
sorry lost all its meaning la
but we won that on penalties
winston saving shots like mad
I MISSED
there goes my 100% record
=(

so then on to finals
this was fucked up
we scored the first goal
so we were happy
then peter cramped up
so there he was lying on the floor
i went to help him stretch
and the other fucking team played on la cb!
they scored an open goal
and we were all like wtf!!
like where the fuck is your sportsmanship

and the first thing he said when he scored was not 'like are you ok'?
it was 'the referee never stop time ah so dont blame me'
damn pissed off la
then they had a penalty but winston super keeper saved it again
but injured himself in the process
and peter was already injured
so we completed the game with 5 instead of 6
but we hung on till penalties
WHERE I MISSED AGAIN FUCK
haha we lost that penalties so we came in 2nd

but after that, the team came to us to shake hands
but i refused to and so did the rest of my team
he said,''eh come on sporting ah'
i said,' sporting? our player injured, you play on, how to shake your hands? sporting??'
then we walked away
bastards

but what consoled us was random mat teams that came up to us after the game
and said we deserved to win
and that the other team lacked sportsmanship
at least that showed on our part
so yea

p.s ruz tournament over but i still keeping your hairband!

sometimes after high and amazing times,

like peters party or winstons stayover,

its easy to forget troubles and live for the moment

but then sometimes, all it takes is a simple conversation with a friend

to remind you all over again

not that sharing is bad,

its just that you get reminded about the credentials we lack,

or what life has screwed us on

and whats worse

is when you have something you bank on

something you really have a lot of hope for

something that could take away all this hurt

something you feel so strongly for

something that is the reason you hang on for

when that something becomes more apparent that it wont happen

when it begins to dissipate

when all that your dreams and hopes banking on that something dissolve

when you realise no matter what you do

it just wont happen

you feel like shit

and its worst when you test the waters

cause maybe you know, sometimes people think too much

so you test the waters to see maybe it can happen

it becomes even more obvious and solid it will never happen

never

your just another colour in a rainbow

a colour that brightens up her life

an important factor

but you will never be the sunshine and happiness that follows after the rainbow

but i dont know maybe i am thinking too much?

i hate this phase of life

i hope i am thinking too much

i hope that something or that dream is still possible

because i think it would be wonderful

if only you felt the same way

grrr

k anyway some pictures from peters party

i am so not looking forward to the next few weeks

leadership and conveyancing tests, leadership presentation

=(

hello the lack of updates is due to me refusing to blog emo-ly
because shit has happened, and we all dont like shit

so yes, i am rather down now so instead of updating yall on my life
and giving more 'why-me-god,again-this-shit-has-happened-god' entries,
i am gonna tell a story

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem.
But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her.
Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either.
A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
the kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone

I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true

i was just watching everybody loves raymond
and watching petter boyle act, and its so hard to accept the fact
that he is dead



he was such a good actor and to me, he was the reason why the show lasted
he was so cynical, so snide, but there was an episode, where he broke down
and proclaimed his love for his wife
it was so sweet
i was on the verge of tears



i related to him
i always looked forward to his one liners
its so sad



i wonder how they are gonna portray his death in the show
or just kill the show off
hmmm
watching everybody loves raymond isnt gonna be the same anymore

(1933-2006)

on a brighter note, 2007 brings a whole new challenge and expectations

-sip

-drums

-love

-gpa

-many many others

hello
if there is one thing i need to be thankful for in 2006
and be all misty-eyed and grateful,

its gotta be my friends
and not the ones that go hi and bye in school
the ones who care

but the ones who really deserve this special mention
are the ones who care without showing they care
the ones who notice your down, but rather then have a sit down talk
they focus on cheering you up rather than listening to your problems

and when you decide on telling them your problems without them asking
they listen and offer advice, and their advice is fucked up cause they are trying to make a joke
to cheer you up
thats cool

thanks my patrician friends
you guys rock

testimony to this post, yesterday we all went to jam, went to sangs house to gamble and had fun
wooooooooo

oh my god
i have a bad feeling for this one as well
k this is gonna be the third time
so the fault definitely lies with me
whats wrong with me
am i that unlikeable
hmm

omg i am so freaking excited
fate just threw another opportunity at me
just when i was getting all pessimistic and that she wont come
she is coming!

oh my god k i hope i dont blow this chance
like how i blew the one in church
omg omg omg

i couldnt sleep the whole of last night,
thinking of what to say or what to do
i tossed and turned like a tossed and turned salad
hahaahha

oh my god in a few more hours she will be in my house
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
hope i can be my self
omggggggggggggggggggggg

dont screw up
dont screw up
dont screw upppppppp

oh ya happy new year people =)

i feel like a hindrance to my friends

k anyway, i think i didnt give otc the synopsis it deserved
but yea no matter how i describe in words, it wont be done justice
our cheer is on youtube ah, damn shiok
i now have 5 videos on youtube containing me

k christmas sucks as always
forward to new years please thank you

otc was a blast
programme this year was good definitely
i think we owned

k anyway this christmas has been
for want of a better word, fucked

first, when i was leaving my grandma's for church,
my dad suddenly noticed i was wearing his dancing shoes
by mistake instead of the leather shoes
he got angry and shit and i had to go home and change
before going to church

so fucked up
then of course this made me late
and i like caught the last 5 mins of church

then i fucking blew it
like completely blew it
like, a golden opportunity to talk to her
and all i could do was talk about bus routes
fucked up la
and my next chance will probably be like next year or smth
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

k nvm, this is the new shep not the old one
the old one would have said fuck it and whined
but i really feel there is something here, something worth persevering for
so i shall
hmm when's the next opportunity?

then when i went back to my grandmas place after mass,
may i add while everyone was going out to party, i went home
my eldest sis told me that my auntie mistakenly took all my presents home
cause her husbands name is also christopher
and she put her presents next to mine
so yea she thought it was for him
and there were several red packets there

sigh
hope it gets better
especially the church part

let me share with yall a story

today i want for penitential service with my mother
which basically is a mass confession in church
(yes, after my last blog entry, i went for the real thing)

so after confession, i resolved to be a better person
like do good deeds and stuff
so my mum and i were about to cross the road
it was raining heavily, as its the fashion nowadays
whilst waiting for the light to change, i noticed an old man next to me,
with no umbrella and stuff
so you know i felt compassionate and offered to share my umbrella
he was visibly stunned by this and accepted the offer

so here i was thinking i got a one-way ticket to heaven when he did the unthinkable,
he struck up a conversation with me

it went like this

old man: are you singaporean?
me: oh, yes, born and bred in singapore
old man: oh i see, cause you look filipino
me(i was insulted and wanted to take my umbrella back): umm oh i am eurasian you see
old man: oh me too
me(giving the umbrella back and now smiling at him) oh nice, whats ur surname?
old man: nonis ( my mum was making jokes about how he had no-knees(nonis) but got elbows)
me: oh i see i am a shepherdson
old man: oh i know several shepherdsons

by this time, we had already reached the bus stop and then my mum arrived cause the old man could walk fast for an old man. umm ya

and she went

mum: hi douglas!
old man(now douglas): oh hi adelene!
me: huh?
mum: this is your dad's friend from SRC
douglas: oh this is terence's son???? he said he was a shepherdson but it didnt click

at this we were both speechless and gawking and mumbling then our bus came so we got on i was contemplating and reflecting like shit...
and the ''old man'' was a former olympiad who represented singapore at hockey
yea so much for frail old man who needed my umbrella
but its the thought that counts k

so i was like wow i just made a difference in someone's day and while getting off the bus, i gave way to this minah and she was originally looking stressed and stuff but when i gave way, she smiled then put on her emo mask again

so yes people, the message behind this entry is not for me to brag about my good deed but that its really simple to make someone's day, just a simple good deed, or if its really beyond you, just smile i mean its not hard...
i know i know who am i to preach about this, being an emo-boy and shit
but certain circumstances made me realise that people interpret

not smiling= suicidal and going to jump anytime

so yes, smile
seriously
it works

p.s i really am gonna change for the better
i like the warm and fuzzy feeling

forgive me father for i have sinned
it's been a year since my last confession
i turn to you, father, because your the only one who will forgive me
and i dont expect anything more from anyone cause i dont deserve it
and i wont be surprsied if you turn your back on me as well

i have been a bad son
i have been a bad friend
k take it back, a horrible friend
i give nothing yet expect the world back
i use obscenities freely
i have impure thoughts
smoking
stealing
taking things for granted like family
the list goes on


for all these sins, i am truly sorry

hmmm normally when i go for confession, i always feel free and easy after that
somehow, i dont feel light now
i feel worse after seeing all this on paper
lord help me

amen

SHARING OF PERCEPTION

Subjectivity is the key factor in perception. There will always be more than one interpretation of any situation. The issue is not so much whose interpretation is correct rather what the basis of the respective interpretation is.

Minimizing differences in perception is a major objective in managing people and relationships. The best way to minimize differences is by sharing of perception.

Techniques of sharing perceptions require open and direct communication by the perceivers with one another and with all parties concerned. This requires conscious effort and constant vigilance on our part; and many a time, it also requires us to be courageous in being open and honest in our communication.

Skills for sharing perceptions include, asking questions, sharing ideas and information, reflecting, summarising, not formulating the easiest way out, openness to change, listening and other communication techniques that facilitate mutual understanding.

i have been studying OB too much.

anyway, yay my dads gonna pay for my driving after mid-sem tests.
yay he is gonna get me my own car.
yay

i found something that the malay community in singapore is good for
before i carry on, please remember eveything done is in good faith
not happy, don't read on
you have been warned

you know sometimes when you are filled with emotions
but yet you cant find the right words to express that exact feeling?
well, thank the malays
there are some scenarios where using prim and proper english just wont cut it

Scenario A(utmost frustration)

englishmen: i am very frustrated
mat: SIOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Scenario B ( inviting someone to smoke)

englishmen:john, shall we go for a smoke?
mat: eh hisap?

Scenario C ( asking someone to move)

englishmen: excuse me. sorry
mat: eh tepi ah

Scenario D ( insulting one's mother)

englishmen: your mothers vagina
mat: puki mak kau!

Scenario E ( Compliments)

englishmen: jolly good old chap
mat: baik ah mat

see what i mean? there are some scenarios where malay is just the better choice. no frills, no beating around the bush...just short and sweet and straight to the point

however, i warn you...with great power int he malay language comes great responsibility...not every conversation sounds better in malay

Scenario F ( greeting your boss)

Englishmen: Good afternoon sir, how are you today?
mat: EHHHHHHH WASSSSSUPPPPPP BROTHER??????!! APA MACAM?????????????( does hand-punching thing with boss)

Scenario G ( teaching)

Englishmen: so today, you will learn E=MC2 and F=ma
mat: huh?

there you go.... hope yall understand what i have to say..again i have to say, please use the malay language properly.

today
was a day of so many emotions
i lost count

BORED
first i felt bored at OB lecture
at the start of the movie, it was kinda interesting
i mean, how can a space shuttle crash be boring right?
wrong, it was dead boring

HUNGRY
i ate lunch

ANNOYED/PISSED
family law lecture with ridhwans fave lecturer
damn pissing off ah
with her hard-to-believe-stories
and ''i am young, we are young, so i am cool'' attitude....one word
b i t c h

SATISFIED
BIT tournament went rather well....
our team won our first 2 games
or i think they did
cause we won our first game 10-6
and pete and i had to leave at second half for our other game at 6-1
so yea i think they won
but satisfied cause i scored 8 goals in 2 games woooo
but more so cause i blocked peter's shot even though he was on my team
mahahaha

FEAR
i was on the motherfucking bus searching for my phone
and i couldnt find it
i started to take out and overturn my underwear to see if it was there
it makes sense k
i was panicking
finally i gave up

RELIEVED/ DISBELIEF
disbelief because i asked a stranger if i could use his phone
so me being nice, i offered 50 cents la
like payment
and he took it without a second though
relieve because samuel had my phone, i left it at the court
damn lucky la
first ipod now this
i am becoming very absent-minded

SURPRISED
guess who i saw on the mrt?
charlie tay
yes our fellow former law student
apparently he is looking for mud
cause mud has his cpc and evidence act
and mud is not bothering calling him
so i play devils advocate
and i am suppose to inform mat that charlie is after him
how nice
what are the chances he will faint again?

TIRED
first day of work cleaning 4 restaurants
peter, how u tahan sia
fuck
endure
i need money

p.s after all this events, i think i woke up
like i dunno i just snapped out of it
sorry to whoever had the patience
to care for me and not give up on me
i think what i needed was knowing i had friends
who stuck with me even when others didnt care
i love yall
i really dont deserve friends like this
i promise to try my best to not let it happen again